NEW WAY OF LIFE.

I want to set this out in writing, for myself. and for others.

I am:

- Determined to not only change, but to grow.

- Never AGAIN put myself in a situation/situations where I feel I need to lie.

- Open up to people, that love me. because I expect that from them..

- Do not run from my mistakes, and issues.

- Face my problems like an adult, and never take anything/anyone for granted.

- Realize that, I never know what tomorrow brings... therefore to make sure I tell whoever I love, that I love them.. and to not let a day go by where I don;t sit, and think about things.

- I will never again give my heart to someone again, because no one deserves it as much as the one I hurt.

- I am determined to keep busy, not to distract myself from all my problems, but so I don't sit and stew about this. Because I'm the most hurt i've ever been, and its no ones fault except mine.

- Keep positive reinforcement in my life such as friends, family.. and stay completely honest with everyone I come into contact with. I know that if I can admit to all this, for the first time in my life, I can better myself with or without the approval of others, no matter how much it hurts.

- I have to keep going strong. and remember the key is to GROW GROW GROW. An old friend once told me this.

- The destination isn't what matters. Ultimately, its the Journey..

- I can't shut people out. no matter how much I think it'll help.. I can't. I can't bottle my feelings and try to be tough. I have to break down, and let it out when I have to.

and as much as I say i'm sorry, and that I'm gonna change, He doesn't want to hear it.

I can't blame him, because I wouldn't.

and I wish I could of helped him for the better like he's helped me...

No one will love me better than he did. This I know...

and I've realized that When I go down, I go down hard...

That's why I've always been so scared of my feelings and the reality web they've been spinning for 20 years...

I've thrown away, so many things that coulda been much more and i just pray,

my problems go away if they're ignored, but thats NOT the way it works.

When I go down, I go down hard, and i'll take everything i've learned and teach myself some disregard. when i go down, it hurts to hit the bottom and all the things that got me there, i think if ONLY i would've fought them.

my ever present conscience shakes its head and reprimand's me..

and in the end, i'll confess.. i'll blame all this on my selfishness.

yeah you loved me, and it consumed me.

and i'll stand up again and do so willingly.

I don't have the guts to say i'll ever try to win you back,

because I would rather give you someone better than me, and see you with someone else

before I would ever let you feel the way you feel right now.