spilling my guts out.

I don't get it. Some days are so awesome. But I realized that so much of my happiness comes from having the approval of the ones I love. I woulda never thought it would come down to this. I wish that my mother would learn from her mistakes, and that I would learn from mine. Sometimes life has a way of making you feel so fucked that there's no hope. I'm glad I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol because the stress of this world would have me shot to death if I had an addiction. I know it's not going to get any easier either, I just like to think it might get a little more simple thats all. Really I have a lot to complain about but I usually brush it to the side to focus on one day at a time. That's all you can do. And that's really what I live by and tell everyone..

Take my advice or not, you know how it is. You can't run from reality. The further you run and the faster you run, the more tired youre going to get and then it will all just be over. I'm sick of running. But somewhere in there I feel comfortable in running away from my problems. Maybe because that's all I saw my family do when they were confronted with a situation that caused great stress. Large amounts of thoughts pour into my head daily about my future. What does it hold? Can I handle being who I ACTUALLY am, and not being what everyone wants me to be? Maybe I really want to be what everyone else wants me to be deep inside. Who knows. I find satisfaction in the fact that I know I'm not obligated to anyone. Is that a bad thing? well I find so at times that it is. Alot of my ideas and morals have changed within this last year... 2009... and... I don't know how good or bad that is. If you dont notice i'm at some crossroads that i'm not ready to be at. I'm not ready to answer questions. I'm not ready to give up on my family. I dont want to be abandoned emotionally because of a selfish mistake. It's almost too late.

I learn well. I know I do. I observe well. I know I do. I just cant come to grips with that fact that my mother is one of the most important people in my life yet, I never know what to tell her.

My brother on the other hand feels he is wise beyond his years and thinks he cant step into every situation as if he is an adult and make decisions for himself and for others. I feel uncomfortable in my own home. As if no one wants me here. So I find it odd that I'm told not to yell at my brother and make HIM feel uncomfortable in his own home. Where do I go from here? Things would be okay if I was on my own I feel. As much as I would like to have my family cater to my every need, I can't stay somewhere where I know I'm not truly welcomed.

I have to draw lines, just like they do. It's all pretty trivial, and I don't know where to start but if it came down to it, I always have SOMEONE to call to help.